Dear BrennerBlast,
  I am worried about the youth of today. I have found a scary trend involving sports and video games. I find that when I ask a kid what they thought about the Super Bowl, they tell me they didn’t see much of the game, but that they have the best team in Madden 08 and have won the Super Bowl 12 times. I’m worried that Madden has enabled kids to feel like they are Jake Plummer. Instead of watching Jake Plummer and wanting to be like him in real life (which would involve going outside and working out), they would rather get fat and play a video game where they think they are Reggie Bush. What should I do??
From,
Every high school coach noticing a decline in athletes

Talent starved coach,

I have noticed the same trend. It seems that a good portion of any school’s talent pool would prefer to compete as an athlete in the cyber-universe of a video game rather than on a track, football field, basketball court, or baseball diamond. Of course, it is difficult to compete with rival schools while some of your best potential players rot out on a couch in their basement.

My personal reaction to this reality is an enthusiastic, “What a shame!” As a former high school athlete, I cannot stress how important my participation in sports was to my personal development. Without those active and competitive years, I would have ended up even lamer than I currently am. Boy would that be pathetic.

It sounds like your task is to convince your potential players that real athletic achievements are more important than virtual championships. Let me suggest a knockout strategy. Make a video that will play over your school’s closed circuit television system in place of the school news.

The way I see it, the video should have two parts. Part one should focus on asking a random sample of students their opinions on topics related to virtual vs. actual athletics. For example, you could ask male and female students whether they would prefer to date an actual athlete or the most accomplished cyber athlete. You could also ask them to rate how cool different activities are on a scale of one to ten (This will demonstrate that most people would rank playing video games just below participating in fantasy sports leagues. That is to say that both those activities are incredibly lame.). I think you know how that one will play out.

The second part of the video should be an a-day-in-the-life-of documentary of an actual athlete and a virtual athlete. I recommend following around Jake Plummer for a day while he crushes handball tournaments, swims in pools of money, and hangs out with his hot cheerleader wife. Then you can follow around a video game athlete while he is ignored by women, pops his pimples, and receives no recognition for his latest video game victories. It will quickly become obvious to every student that watches the video that real sports are the way to go.

You see…playing video games is kind of like doing drugs. Often times people that use drugs mostly associate with other drug users. Within that group, members believe that their enthusiasm for drugs is shared by the rest of the population. Because they are only hanging out with other drug users, they do not realize that average people think their behaviors are undesirable. Do you see how this can generalize to video game users? Your message must help open the eyes of the virtual athletes and help them realize that playing video games is truly uncool. Once you prove that point, you should have no problem convincing these students to play on your team. They will be hungry for some REAL action.

Signed,
BrennerBlast

Dear BrennerBlast,
  I need some advice. Damn panic attacks are plaguing my life, and I'm trying to kick them in the balls. One of the solutions I have sought is an online program called Attacking Anxiety. One part of this program involves listening to a "relaxation video" once or twice a day. I want to listen to the video, but one part exacerbates the attacks even more than if I didn't listen to the video! The sexy voice says, "You and I are walking through a forest..." The thing is, I'm agoraphobic! I can't leave my house without feeling like I'm going to croak...and the dang forest makes me feel like I'm having a heart attack! What should I do?????
Signed,
(Bummin' in Broomfield)

Bummin' in Broomfield,

It sounds like you are in very fragile condition right now. I've never experienced a panic attack myself, but I am very aware of how big a bummer that condition can be. The one thing I've learned about panic attacks is that they are not easy to shake. You are not going to wake up next week and miraculously have no more panic attacks. I'm sure you are aware of this already.

As far as your relaxation video goes, if the video is getting you riled up you should probably refrain from watching it. If the point of the video is to get you to relax, I'd recommend a guided visualization. That way you can avoid thinking about things that stir up your condition (like those freaky forests) and still get the benefits of relaxation. I will recommend one of the books that I use as a summer camp counselor to do guided visualizations with my kids during rest hour. The book is called Spinning Inward by Maureen Murdock. You could have a family member read to you. It may seem like a weird0 thing to do, but it might just help you out.

And, of course, you need to do is seek professional help. See someone who can help you get over your panic attacks, and though I do give Xcellent advice, I do not qualify. Try follow their instructions and make an effort to learn as much as you can about your condition. It is going to take a lot of effort on your part to get back to a life without panic attacks. Until then, find a job or activity that you can perform successfully while you still struggle with your attacks. This way you won't go stagnate as you wait for things to get better. I wish you all the best.
Farewell,
BrennerBlast

Dear BrennerBlast,
  I'm an anonymous camp director. For years now, it has been terribly difficult to recruit male applicants for my summer staff. I am wondering how I should go about my marketing scheme if I want to receive more than 6 applications from dudes.
Signed,
Worried in Ward

Do not fear, Worried in Ward;
  I am an experienced outdoorsman and summer camp counselor. Thus, I am more than qualified to answer a question such as this. In order to attract the highest quality and highest volume of male applicants, you must remember why YOU first joined the staff of a summer camp. And that is … the sweet lady counselors. Every single male counselor candidate (unless already married) is on a quest to find a beautiful, outdoorsy mate. So how can you pique their interest in your summer camp? Simple. Make sure that the liberal dating policies of your camp are well advertised (You do have liberal dating policies, don’t you?). Next, make sure that the promotional video for your camp is almost exclusively close-up shots and interviews with your most beautiful female counselors. Lastly, do your best to recruit male applicants in the manliest places possible. For example, you should hand out fliers at dodge-ball and ga-ga-ball tournaments, poker rooms, and on the tops of mountains. If you follow these steps, your camp’s applicant pool should be brimming with male talent in no time at all.
Best of luck to you,
BrennerBlast